Grief & Grace
- Marco and Amelia Lodewyk
- Jun 27, 2022
- 13 min read
Updated: Aug 9, 2023
"Though we need to weep your loss, You dwell in that safe place in our hearts, Where no storm or night or pain can reach you." -On the Death of the Beloved (1-3) by John O’Donohue
Dearest family and friends,
We first want to say we appreciate you, and are very thankful for you. Thank you for allowing our family the grace, time, and space to process some very tragic loss in our lives. We are so grateful for every prayer, text, call, flowers, meal, coffee, and the support you've given us in all forms. Each day has felt different for us right now, and the emotions come in waves, but by God's grace we are taking each day, day by day. July through December of 2021 went by in the blink of an eye, but also felt like the haziest season for us. There has been some moments of feeling both elated joy and extremely painful sadness, at the exact same time. We are still processing everything, and will be processing for a while. It's taken quite a while to get this blog published, as our hearts are so sore. Writing this one has us holding our breath, and my typing fingers numb. As much as I (Amelia) love writing and editing, it feels as though there's so much more to write, and at the same time, no words at all that would do this part of our journey justice. So thank you for giving me the grace of letting this sit in my drafts for months on end. Working on it letter by letter, writing, deleting, and rewriting, and now finally feeling ok to hit the blue publish button. As you may have noticed from previous posts, I like to write in timelines, as it's the way my brain operates: calendars, events, time...the beginning & the end. The opening and the close. The Alpha and Omega. And yes we do have some updates to share, as we are now unbelievably half way through 2022, but in timeline order fashion, this blog written below should be shared first. At the end of July 2021, Marco's sister and her family came over to visit Marco's parents and us for a week, as Marco's dad, "Pa Bernard" had been struggling with his health for a few months. Unfortunately, his scan appointment was delayed and moved from June to August, and so the doctors weren't able to confirm why he was in so much pain. We belatedly celebrated Marco's mom's birthday together with homemade cinnamon rolls and Amelia's first shameful attempt at "Oumense Onder die Komberse" (South African meatballs or "frikkadel" in fried cabbage leaves). Directly translated from Afrikaans to English "Old people under the blankets." (Note: South Africans love a good sense of humor, and most things are taken light-heartedly). The boys really enjoyed the time with their cousins! We even got to take a very exciting day trip to see some SNOW with the family and some good friends of ours! Two really funny side stories from the snow day- as snow is a phenomenon "Cape Tonians," are not accustomed to. We caravanned for over 2 hours to the nature reserve out in the mountains on this particular Saturday. It felt like everyone from Cape Town was there.
We sat in a car line for another 2 hours. Now, having sipped on hot chocolate the entire morning, and being out in the middle of nowhere, and still a long distance from the nearest restroom, Amelia really had to go. Luckily growing up in the Pacific Northwest (PNW), using the "loo" outdoors was not a new thing- from the Puget Sound beaches as a tiny tot, to hikes along the Evergreen filled trails. Unfortunately, this was a very frosty morning, and just as well, there were no bushes or trees or boulders to hide behind. It felt like we were in a long line for a ride at a theme park, but on a narrow muddy road. Plus, everyone was getting out of their cars to stretch their legs, even though there were signs everywhere saying to please stay in your vehicle. Basically, there was nowhere safe to tinkle. After gathering the courage to just do it, and squat in front of 200 cars in a line, I said out-loud, "no, there must be another way!" So I ran to the other cars we were caravan-ing with and asked two of the gals to "please help a sister out," they kindly held blankets in a triangle shape to block any onlookers (mind you the blankets were flapping in the winter wind), while my rear faced a local vineyard (my most sincerest apologies to any famers if there were any out there). Let's just say, being exposed to frostbiting wind was not fun either. But it was a hysterically funny moment for everyone, except me.
The next story I'm about to tell, is one of those yikes stories. *Disclaimer: we are not making fun of anyone, because the person involved was not hurt, and laughed too. We finally got to the snow after we all hiked for over an hour through a muddy trail. The only catch was you had to jump across a winter creek to get to the side of the mountain where there was not even fluffy snow, but chunky ice. The kind that makes a dangerous snowball, or a horribly misshapen snowman. As I sighed, but also was so happy for my family who was smiling ear to ear grinning from experiencing "snow" for the first time in their lives, I couldn't help but giggle. So as we all one by one did running jumps across the creek, I turned around and saw a few people who were not in proper hiking gear, but Instagram-y all white outfits, picture perfect for that "snow photo." I thought to myself, I'll stand on the other side, and as they jump and I'll catch them and pull them over - rescue grip style. Next thing I know, this lady's shoe (that lacked any kind of grippy bottom-and would have slid on even a flat surface) touches the rock at a slanted angle, and her long acrylic nails scratches my whole arm as she goes down. With a big splash, she is now flailing waist deep in the water. Meanwhile, Marco is bear hugging me from the back, keeping me from an icy plunge as well. His one boot went in the water, but this gal's all white outfit is now soaked, as she tries to get out of the water on my side. I tried my best pulling her up, but she then falls back into the water again, now getting further submerged up to her neck. With the help of her friends, she was able to crawl back out on the side she came from. She luckily was laughing and had a good sense of humor about it when we checked on her. Marco politely held back his loud comedic laughs for when we were a few meters further away as the whole scene was just absurd, like one you would see in a funny video on social media. We felt so bad, as she sat there dripping wet on the non-snowy side of the mountain, while we played and frolicked with our friends and family. But it just shows, to always be prepared with the right gear when you're in the great outdoors, and I guess always have a change of clothes in your car. You really never know! ;)
In mid June, we went into extra lockdown restrictions, so for a few months we weren't able to go into the correctional centers to do prison ministry. So we did a winter appeal for a local halfway house called, Beth Uriel House of Light, which is located here in Cape Town and houses and gives educational opportunities about 30 young men. Over the years we have stayed connected to a few guys who live there that were our previous Restorative Justice students through Hope Prison Ministry. Through Hillsong Africa Foundation and our Hillsong Prison Ministry team, we collected and donated food items, over 40 blankets, men's clothing, and toiletries. Thank you again for the donations to make this possible!
In August, for Marco's birthday, the men from church took him out for breakfast, and later in the day we had a "Lekker Braai" /BBQ down at our local park with some friends. Amelia had been extremely homesick, and had been going back and forth about traveling. But at the end of August was able to fly back to the USA to visit family and friends and be a part of a couple of weddings. A few days later, Marco traveled with colleagues to a Young Leaders Camp Retreat in the African bush at a Nature Reserve up in the Limpopo Province of South Africa.
On September 3, 2021 Amelia's cousin Emily married her beloved Odie in Montana on the most perfect summer day by the Flathead River. Amelia had the honor and privilege to spot and walk next to Emily as she elegantly rode sidesaddle on Cowboy the horse down the aisle (her dream since we were kids). Emily's mother, Inez (Amelia's Aunt) had passed away on Christmas Eve in 2020 after fiercely fighting breast cancer. Inez was greatly missed by all and placed on Inez's reserved seat were her cowgirl boots filled with bright flowers. The pastor who married Emily and Odie said the most beautiful prayer which allowed all of us to release Inez, and acknowledge her passing together. He then smoothly transitioned to the powerful union of two incredibly strong humans. And Bella, (Emily's service dog) brought the rings down the aisle with a "bark bark!" After saying "I do," the couple got into a Clydesdale drawn carriage and rode into the distance. The most emotional moment was when Emily stood up from her wheelchair for the father-daughter dance. For Amelia and her parents this was their first time on a family vacation together since 2010.
On September 4, Marco led a hike in Newlands Forest with some men in our aftercare network, alongside his son Raeez and our ministry friend Krishna.
Little did we know that these were moments of beautiful joy before our lives would unimaginably change in ways we didn't expect: in an intense storm of loss and grief. Pa Bernard had been struggling with his health since March of 2021, and unfortunately did not receive the proper help or care due to the strains of the pandemic. His appointments kept getting rescheduled, and finally in September he went to the operating room for what appeared to be colon cancer. This operation was very high risk. Thankfully he survived the operation, and was released from the hospital to recover on September 21. His one request to Marco was that he would rest and recover over at our home for one week.
Unfortunately the cancer must have spread further in the time in between from when he initially started to feel ill earlier in the year. Exactly one week later, on September 28th, 2021 Pa Bernard was called back to his true home in heaven. He was surrounded by his wife- Ma Hilda, and Marco as they prayed with him and played his favorite worship music. Pa B even went with a smile on his face.
He lived 70 vibrant, hard working years. He was always found serving at his church in Mitchell's Plain. He loved his darling wife. And he cherished all of his grandchildren and family. For Marco, Pa Bernard was the dad who stepped in when he was a teenager, and brought him under his wing and taught him a lot about gardening and how to use tools. Marco watched his dad over the years, as he remodeled their Tafelsig home, brick by brick.
For Amelia, Pa Bernard was the most tender hearted, spiritually wise, and kind father-in-law one could ever ask for. Amelia and Pa B would often sit for hours over tea, and be the last to leave the lunch table because they were so deep in conversation about South African history, traveling, mission work, and many of Pa Bernard's stories of his life and travels overseas on ships. Pa Bernard would have a twinkle in his beautiful light blue hazel eyes when he smiled and laughed. He loved to play along when Darren and Raeez teased him. Pa Bernard loved pulling his car over by the beach / coastline and soaking in the incredible views. His biggest treasure in life was knowing Jesus, and with that knowledge, we find peace.
On the morning of Pa Bernard's funeral on October 9, 2021 just five minutes before the service started, we received the heart-crushing news that our dear friend and colleague, Keith, had also gone to be with Jesus after battling with pneumonia in the hospital for a few weeks. Keith leaves behind his beautiful wife Andy, and baby son Zephaniah. Keith was so thrilled to become a father, and show his son everything there was to life. Keith's faith and light that he carried gathered people. He spoke truth, and loved thy neighbor well. He glorified God in the biggest ways. He also made the best cup of coffee. We will forever remember Keith and his zest for life because of Christ. His impact on our church community was massive, and he was one of the first people from our church, Hillsong South Africa, that Amelia met through Marco back in June of 2018. We spent many Sundays building the Tafelsig/ Mitchell's Plain locations together, and quite a few hangouts before and during the lockdown over coffees made by Keith, pizzas, and celebrating the pregnancy and birth of their son Zeph. Keith was a massive part of our Sundays, Tuesdays, and often another day during the week. He was not just a co-worker, but a friend and a brother. He always called the guys at church "brozo." And to Amelia he would say, "Howzit, Mrs. Lodewyk?" In June of 2021 he shared the word in a local juvenile women's prison about the prodigal son returning home to his father. This message still brings tears to our eyes as he shared it so simply yet so profoundly. He shared the specific purposes of the cloak, ring, and sandals that the father gave his son upon returning home. To come alongside and support Keith's wife and son Zeph, please click here.
While all of these shockingly sad events happened, Amelia was still in the USA and was not able to get back to Cape Town any earlier than planned. While facing emotional shock, Amelia remained committed to being the Matron of Honor at the wedding of her high school best friend- Dee & Steven's wedding. The Jackson's wedding was really special, and Amelia got to reunite with her volleyball squad girls. On the way east-bound to South Africa, Amelia visited her brother and his fiancée, Ren, in New England. In moments of difficult heartache, the importance of getting to see and hug loved ones meant a lot, as the behind the scenes of these photos as those in it know, was very painful and hard.
November was a bit of a blur in the day to day. Prison Ministry was back full steam ahead. Amelia's Strategic Planning Course for non-profits was in its final months. Thankfully, Marco was able to take a few days off, and we went to an AfriCamps located in a Mountain Reserve. We weren't able to fully "catch our breaths" per-say, as life continues, but breath in nature, yes. We almost had the whole place to ourselves, and had a few learning curves while hiking the trails. We forgot to tell the reception office where we were going, and only saw the sign on top of the mountain- oops. We slept in, and started late. We packed spicy peanuts as our lunch and less than enough water. The hike was twice as long as we anticipated. Finally when we got to the last part of the trail, we found ourselves in a creek / mini forest area, like a scene from the Chronicles of Narnia films. Marco was hiking in front of me, and all of the sudden we heard this big whooshing/thumping sound like something big running towards us. It was a big sound like a horse running, or a big animal such as a leopard charging towards us! Our hearts were beating outside of our chests. It ended up being a big bird flying through the tree branches above us. But next thing we knew, Marco finds himself behind Amelia who is brandishing her walking stick like a pitch fork ready to defend and scare away the big scary sound.
We found physical activity to be beneficial for our mental health, just keeping our bodies moving between hiking and swimming and trying new things like snorkeling with church friends. We had a really beautiful + intimate Thanksgiving dinner hosted by our American missionary friends from church. Amelia's still trying to adjust to cooking the holiday meal items, like baking warm pecan pie, in the summer weather though. Also setting up the Christmas tree in summertime still feels funny. This year brought extra denial because the holidays didn't feel the same at all anymore.
The first couple of weeks in December we felt burnt out from the year, and ended up getting sick at home. Darren went to his 8th grade prom dance in an all blue checkered suit. We also had our end of year gathering with our prison ministry team. We were very proud of what our team had accomplished with such few Sunday opportunities. Collectively, we still held over thirty services and shared the Gospel with over 1,660 clients behind bars, and reached over 80 correctional officials. 700 men and women gave their lives to Jesus who receive a 21 day devotional at the end of the service and all are invited to midweek bible study programs. We also had 65 different volunteers serve with us throughout the year! We'd like to call that a big dent in the kingdom of darkness, and a massive win for the Kingdom of God!
Although as Keith's Birthday and Christmastime approached, it was just really hard to be honest. Trying to push through and carry on felt impossible. Acknowledging reality is painful, and especially during Christmastime it felt the opposite of "holly jolly." We coped by cooking our favorite classic Christmas recipes and a couple new ones as well. We had Christmas dinner with Marco's mom, Darren, and Raeez. On the 26th, we had a big beautiful Sunday, Christmas themed prison ministry service at the female centre. On the 27th, Marco and I celebrated 2 years of marriage, and the next day Amelia's birthday.
We felt a bit down as we drew close to the New Year. Leaving two special people behind, and going into a new year without them didn't feel right, and still to this day, doesn't. On New Years Eve we saw the terrible news of the big wildfires in some of our Colorado friends' home towns, and stayed up all night to make sure they were ok.
Though 2021 didn't end on a particularly happy note for us, and through all of this pain and grief, we do feel the grace. Our hearts will still have a posture of gratitude. Even when the hot tears flow, the embrace of a loved one brings so much comfort. Just sitting with a warm cup of tea in the still quietness, or closing our eyes to a powerful worship song reminds us we are safe in God's hands. We know we're all on borrowed time, and we tangibly feel God's mercy over us.
We appreciate you for taking time to read this emotional update. We truly thank you once again for the support for Marco and I during this time, when we blinked, and were slammed with loss of a father and dear friend.
"The Lord is my rock, my fortress and my deliverer; my God is my rock, in whom I take refuge, my shield and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold." -Psalm 18:2 NIV
Our next update will come shortly hereafter. For those wondering, yes we are seeing a grief counselor, and also took a grief course with our Mitchell's Plain team.
We wish you God's every blessing for you and your family. We pray that you would be strengthened, and delight in His goodness through all things.
With Love,
The Lodewyk Family
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